Dear Diary
by Isha-libran
Summary: The adventures of Dr. Simon Tam, Criminal Mastermind.


Title: Dear Diary

Characters: Dr. Simon Tam, Criminal Mastermind, and the rest of the Big Damn Crew

Timeline: Sometime post-Serenity

Word count: 2,406

Disclaimer: I am not Joss. Therefore, I own none of these characters. Please don't sue me.

A/N: Um. Warning. Crack-iness ahead.

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Dear Diary,

Today was a most unusual day.

It started off normally enough—I was in my bunk with Kaylee, and she was… well, it doesn't really matter much to the story what she was doing, but suffice it to say that it was very pleasing.

So, I was understandably annoyed when someone knocked on my door.

I may have used the words '_ta ma de_', because I remember hearing the Captain snigger before he ordered us to the galley. The man's sense of humor really does surprise me sometimes.

It took Kaylee and me ten minutes to untangle ourselves, however, and when we arrived at the galley, we found the rest of the crew already there.

I need not record the conversation that followed our arrival; it was all very tedious, as is usually the case when Jayne expresses what he thinks of as his sense of humor. Mal had to get involved, and it was to be five minutes later that we could finally get to the business at hand.

It turned out that the Governor on the nearby moon of Prospera was holding a masqued ball in honour of his wife's birthday. Mal and Zoe were contracted to rob the man of his hard earned riches, and they were trying to decide on the best possible plan to accomplish their objective.

Jayne wasn't to accompany them on this job; rather, he was to be planetside, patrolling the area around the ship to make sure no one tried to board us. The Captain had beaten several others to the job, and he was worried that perhaps someone would try something.

Kaylee and River were needed on Serenity to keep the ship ready for a fast getaway, 'if we needed it', according to Mal.

I wonder sometimes how the man can fail to notice that _all_ his plans seem to require fast getaways.

But I digress.

As I was saying, Kaylee and River were to remain on Serenity, along with Inara, who was in charge of the ship in Mal's absence, because, let's face it; she's the only one who can keep the ape man in line.

That was when Mal told us that his plan required a man on the inside, someone at the party to keep an eye on the Governor to make sure he didn't inconsiderately show up at his quarters when he was being robbed.

And here the captain looked very pointedly at me.

Not that I didn't protest, but well, who else was left? The ape man? Unthinkable. Inara? The Captain would never allow it. Zoe was needed on the job, and I wasn't going to allow River or Kaylee to do it.

I had no choice but to be prepared to mingle at the Governor's ball, to dance blithely in what would probably be a hot bed of Alliance agents.

So, there I was, dusting off my jacket and putting a polish on my shoes when Inara found me in my bunk.

'It's a masqued ball, Simon,' she said to me.

I remember looking back at her in confusion.

'You'll need a costume,' she elaborated.

'Yes,' I replied, wondering where in the 'verse I was to get a _costume_ at a moment's notice.

'Why don't you come to my shuttle,' she said. 'I'll see if I can't arrange something.'

Between us, we managed to put together the attire of what was called a Spanish _senor_ on Earth-that-was. It didn't consist of much, just my normal white shirt and the only pair of good pants I had, along with my waistcoat and jacket, all freshly laundered and pressed, of course. Inara scrounged up one of her old black drapes and tacked it on as my 'cloak'. It was an essential part of the Seventeenth century _senor_'s outfit, according to her.

As a final part of my costume, she drew a thin mustache on my face with her kohl pencil. I really saw no reason for that addition, but Inara assured me I looked very dashing. And Kaylee's dazzling smile as I entered the cargo bay certainly put any doubts to rest.

That was _before_ the rest of the crew burst into hysterical laughter at the sight of me.

'He looks like a character from one of those terrible space operas that Kaylee downloads off the Cortex,' Mal gasped, tears streaming from his eyes.

He had dissolved into guffaws by the last few words, and Jayne had collapsed on the workout bench, holding his heaving stomach as he bellowed in laughter. Kaylee and Inara glared disapprovingly at them, but it only served to increase their mirth.

River wasn't much help, giggling along with the Captain. Brat.

I would have expected no better of the ape man, or Mal, but when _Zoe_ joined in…

It was a good fifteen minutes before they got themselves under enough control to help me. With the final touch of the black masque, I was ready to go. The invite secured by the Captain's contractor was safely in my pocket, along with an emergency piece, provided by Jayne. I wasn't very comfortable with the idea of carrying a gun around, but Mal insisted, and I obliged.

'Wish me luck,' I said, and Kaylee kissed me goodbye, assuring me that I would do wonderfully, she just knew it.

She had no idea how right she was going to be.

It happened just as I was entering the Governor's house. One minute, I was walking along, heart in my mouth, wondering if my masque was enough disguise to hide me from Alliance eyes, and the next, I was running full bore down the street.

Two men were scuffling with a woman. She was putting up a good fight, though, struggling against them as one of them wrapped an arm around her from behind and the other tried to stifle her cries.

'Unhand her!'

I really do not know what made me say it. Perhaps it was the effect of the costume.

All movement stopped at my voice, and I saw that the men were really no more than boys, while the girl must have been only fourteen or thereabouts. She struggled out of their grasp, snatching her purse away from one of them. She kicked the boy who had been trying to restrain her, and stomped toward me.

'Don't think I won't be telling your parents about this!' she stormed at the boys.

'Aw, come on, Ellie,' one of them whined. 'If you'd just give us those captures—'

'Forget it!' Ellie snarled. 'I'm going to be holding those over your heads for a long, long time.'

The other one shuffled his feet. 'If they find out we're—'

'Your parents would never let you hear the end of it,' the girl crowed. The amusement in her voice was positively indecent.

'Well, I'll tell you what. I won't tell them about our little _altercation_, if…' she trailed off, and that was when it occurred to me that perhaps I should have come to the defense of the _boys_.

'If what?'

'How much money do you have on you?'

They grumbled, but the boys handed over the money eventually, walking away with venomous looks at the both of us.

'Thanks for that, Zorro,' Ellie said sardonically.

'Um, you're welc—'

'You're here for the ball, huh,' she interrupted, sparing me a glance as she rooted through her purse. She placed a cigarette between her lips and lit up, blowing out a puff of nicotinous smoke that had me coughing as I looked down at her in disbelief.

I was a total stranger to her—a stranger who had just saved her from… well, I don't know from what, exactly, but I had _saved_ her, dammit! And here she was, blowing smoke rings at me!

Had this girl no sense of propriety? No sense of decency? No _gratitude_?

The Captain would have loved her.

I gave her a mock bow, and putting as much sarcasm into my voice as I could manage, I said, 'Well, _so_ pleased to have been of service, madam, but I must be going now.'

She stopped me with a hand on my arm.

'I wouldn't go in there if I was you,' she said, waving her cigarette at the house. 'Their parties are deadly dull, with the same old people, all of them talking about themselves, and getting drunker and drunker while they do so.'

Yes, Mal would surely have loved her.

'Be that as it may,' I said in my most quelling accents, 'they are your hosts, and mine. I think it only fair that I put in an appearance.'

'Speaking of hosts,' she said, looking at me, 'I've never seen you before. How exactly do you know my parents?' She stepped toward me at that, giving me a careful once over.

And that was when I realised that I had just met the Governor's daughter. Who could potentially blow my cover. Which would make Mal very, very angry.

He would probably punch me in the jaw again.

I don't know why I did what I did next; my only excuse is that I lost my head for a moment.

'I'm an Alliance spy,' I said, catching her by the elbow and drawing her closer to me. 'We've heard that there's a possibility of an attack on the Governor.'

'Someone's going to try to attack Daddy?' she said, eyes round. Then she grinned. 'Finally, some _excitement_!'

'Yes, well, that's why no one must know I'm here,' I said urgently to her. 'It's a secret operation. I have to get in there and shadow your father at this party.'

She nodded, eyes alight with enthusiasm. 'Leave that to me.'

She took my arm, and led me to the door. The guard there let me in without even asking to see my invitation, and soon, I was dancing with Ellie, just a few feet away from the Governor.

It soon became apparent to me that Ellie was very taken with me. If the fact that she kept smiling brilliantly up at me every few minutes wasn't enough of a clue, the way she tried to kiss me in the middle of a song certainly made it very clear.

'What are you doing?' I hissed, turning my head so that her lips grazed my cheek. The thought of what her father would do if he had seen us had my blood running cold.

'What does it look like?' Ellie replied, smiling up at me.

'Look, Ellie—'

Her smile faded, and turning, she fled from me. I followed her outside, and found her in the shadows, crying. It suddenly occurred to me that however she might act, she _was_ very young.

She spun around when I touched her shoulder, and I winced at the tears tracking down her face.

'What's so wrong with me, anyway?'

'I'm sorry, Ellie, but I'm with someone—'

That was as far as I got before a security guard interrupted us.

'Ms. McLean? You need to come with us, ma'am,' the burly man said. 'It's not safe here. The alarm in your father's private quarters have gone off, we think there's an intruder in the house.'

I groaned silently. I knew it could only be Mal and Zoe.

'Don't go in there!' The guard stopped and stared at me, as did Ellie. There was a pause as I tried desperately to come up with something.

'My men are in there,' I finally said to the guard, hoping my brusque tone would convince him that I needed no introduction.

Apparently, he felt otherwise.

'And just who are _you_?' he said, advancing menacingly toward me.

'He's an Alliance spy, you idiot,' Ellie snapped, coming to my rescue. 'He had information that there was going to be an attack on Daddy, and that's why he's here.'

I nodded vigorously. 'Exactly. And the alarm was set off by…my…agents, who are… hiding in the Governor's quarters so that no one can…sneak in and harm him.'

'So you can just disable the alarm,' Ellie added, while I frantically hoped I had convinced the man.

My prayers were answered, and he nodded. 'I'm on it,' he said, as he returned to the house.

'I have to go now,' I said to Ellie. 'I need to…check up on those agents of mine. And, Ellie…I don't think I'll be coming back.'

She nodded. 'I knew you would say that,' she said, smiling sadly at me.

And then she leaned up and kissed me.

Full on the mouth.

'I'll never forget you, Zorro,' she sobbed as she stepped away from me.

'I—uh—I—'

A movement in the shrubbery over her shoulder caught my eye, and I saw Mal's grinning face among the leaves. It was certain that he had witnessed my exchange with Ellie.

'Goodbye,' I squeaked, as she burst into still louder sobs. 'I'll never forget you, either.'

I saw Zoe rolling her eyes, and took that as my cue to leave. I ducked into the hall, slipping out through a side entrance a minute later and making my way back to the shuttle. Mal and Zoe were already there, having secured the cargo. They were warming the shuttle up when I entered.

'I take it you got what you wanted?'

Zoe nodded, eyes alight with amusement, but she said nothing.

Mal was snickering as I strapped myself into the seats, and it was all I could do to maintain a dignified silence as we flew back to Serenity. I remember the relief that washed over me as we docked in. The evening had been a nerve wracking ordeal for me, and I, for one, was glad that it was over.

Mal and Zoe got busy unloading the cargo, and I decided to leave them to it. I felt in the need for a long bath, and then maybe a nap.

The Captain stopped me just before I left, a grin on his face.

'You'd best wipe that lipstick off your face before you see Kaylee again, _Zorro_.'

How is it that he always manages to have the last word?

I did as he advised me to, however, and now I am sitting here recording all these events for posterity.

Odd, that sounds like footsteps, coming toward my bunk.

……

……

It's Kaylee.

She wants me to leave my costume on.

I don't think I'll be writing any more tonight….

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End.

A/N: I really don't know what I was on when I wrote this. A friend asked for Zorro!Simon, and this was the rather frightening result.

--Inspired by Jayne and his 'Dear Diary' moment in 'Safe'.

--Feedback is always welcome.


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